It was 1981. Rolando Blackman was just a rookie, a 22 year old with hispanic roots. His future nemesis had not even been conceived. He didn't know the dangers of the world. The Brooklyn kid didn't even know the dangers of the NBA.
Then, it was 1984. Blackman was an All-Star. But then, Balkman came, looking more like an Egyptian pharaoh than ever. Even though Rolando Blackman, a fellow New York native, had pretty much the exact same name, Renaldo's parents didn't care.
"It's a shit ton of a lot better of a naming-job than those damn parents of Jrue Holliday," exclaimed Balkman's father, 56.
"I think that in the end, we were just reckless," says his mother, 51.
And in breaking news on Balkman's Wikipedia page, turns out he is also hispanic.
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| As you can see, that is clearly Renaldo and not Rolando. |
Balkman has also been confused for Ramses II on multiple occasions, while Blackman has been mistaken for Brad Garrett.
In an on-going battle between Renaldo Balkman and Rolando Blackman, one must consider each
intricate detail. Here are a few of the important ones:
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| Malcom Jamal Warner is neither Renaldo nor Rolando |
- They have both played for the Knicks.
- Balkman had a DUI in 2009. When asked about Balkman's legal issue at the time, Blackman projected, "That son of a bitch stole my name!"
- When asked about his DUI charge, Balkman said, "Second-worst thing I've ever done." When asked what the worst was, he said, "I stole someone's right ventricle from a morgue when I was seven."
- When Rolando Blackman gets into a car accident with someone he considers a close pal, he refers to it as a "Friender-Bender" and offers to pay for all financial expenses.
- When you Google search Renaldo Balkman, a picture of former Cosby Show star, Malcolm Jamal Warner comes up on the first page.
- Rolando Blackman was the better player
- Renaldo Balkman had a ear-lobe sagging competition against Hideki Matsui and lost by two straw pennies.
- Rolando Blackman prefers Crispix to Rice Chex.
- Renaldo Balkman was once confused for being a tree.
- Balkman won NIT MVP in 2006 even though he only averaged 9 and 6
- Isaiah drafted him in the first round even though he only averaged 9 and 6 in the NIT and Rajon Rondo was the next pick.
- Rolando Blackman says that if he could have attended any school that is not Kansas State University (where he went to college), that he would go to Towson because, "I'm a big Gary Neal guy."
- Balkman believes that all people that describe themselves as "Big Gary Neal Guys" who are not in fact, Gary Neal, himself, are simply inherently odd and do not deserve any sort of attention. This only adds to the rivalry.
So if you're ever on the street and you see a Balkmanian or Blackmanian outburst, you now know the consequences. You can make your decision.
(Disclaimer: Absolutely nothing written above is true. And the stuff that is true is material you'll never need to know in your life unless you come across a live Balkman-Blackman showdown on the quad at Miami University (OH).)
